“What the hell is going on with all of these busted pickup trucks? Is Tim Riggins in town or what?”
“If there was such a thing as a gorilla handjob and there was a 90% success rate and a 10% chance of getting my penis ripped off…you know, I’d probably take that chance just to say I had a gorilla handjob.”
“Corey was born, gave out a Punk Point, and then Elvis died on the toilet. Punk rock killed Elvis.”
“Daaaaamn! That mannequin is HOT!”
J: “Wait. So, how did this rapture thing come about?”
Me: “Some ex-engineer from California did some Bible Math and decided the End of Days was in 1994, but then he decided his math was wrong and it was tomorrow instead.”
J: “Uhhh. So, the bible would have to be true and the world is only, like, 12,000 years old then?”
Me: “Well, no. Part of the math was where he equated 1 day with a thousand years.”
J: “Really… so, I guess I don’t NEED the Rapture Blow Job tomorrow. But I still want it.”
“I don’t want an above ground pool…if I wanted one of those I’d beat you more and wear jean shorts.”
“I had an idea: a smoothie chain across Israel. Jesus is on a crucifix, with a smoothie in each hand, and each one has a crazy straw to his mouth. AND he has a beer helmet with smoothies in it.”
“You don’t look at horse porn? You fucking square….you are unAmerican!”
“Do you think it’s jizz that makes his teeth so white?”
“Toilets work on 10% water pressure and 90% positive thinking.”
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